This Time Last Year..

This Time Last Year..

• Monday 28 November 2016

This time last year I had a mental breakdown and honestly, it was hellish. Something had been building up for months; I wasn’t totally sure what it was but one day I just snapped. Last October my parents went on holiday leaving me at home with my younger brother and Molly. Whilst Josh is 17, he is pretty capable so I didn’t really have much to worry about in terms of the looking after the house, although I have OCD and checking doors (among other things) is something that I really struggle so it was a pretty big deal for me. The first night was hard but then everything was hard back then, I had to check two ovens and three outside doors before checking every single room in the house to make someone hadn’t already broken in; and then I did it twice again. But it was fine, as I said, that was totally normal.

As well as checking things, something else I also had an issue with was my routine and when that routine was compromised, even by a few minutes I’d have a panic attack. I was constantly worried that I was going to be late for work so I used to get in 45 minutes early just to be sure. Even stranger than that, I used to be worried about my routine for getting home after work as well. My closest station was closed for refurbishments so every day, I had a 15 minute walk to the next one before I could get on. I would be out of the door at 5.30 on the dot and literally running along Oxford Street to get home as soon as possible; otherwise I felt like I was wasting my evening. I’d even walk in the road because the tourists used to hold me up so much. 

A couple of days in, I started feeling a little bit edgy. As usual, at 5.30, I ran to the station except this time, Oxford street station was closed due to overcrowding. It wasn’t exactly a shock as it had happened before but it was a disruption to my routine and obviously I was not in the right state of mind to deal with it at the time. I started to shake and before I knew it, I was curled up on the floor, crying in the rain. On Oxford Street. During rush hour. My mind was all over the place and basically started playing tricks on me. I remember thinking over and over that I had to get home urgently to feed Molly and make dinner for Josh, except neither of those things had anything to do with me. Josh always feeds Molly and always cooks himself dinner, I’ve never made him a meal in my life.

I did manage to move myself off of the main street and spent the next hour crying on the floor outside Debenhams. My parents were on holiday so they werent much help and Andrew was still working so he couldn’t answer the phone. I called him so many times that it was concentrating on the steady dialing tone that calmed me down in the end. He called me back and an hour after that, I attempted to get on a train again. 

I was an absolute state from that point onwards, I got in touch with the NHS who put me on a waiting list but by April this year, I couldn’t take it anymore, I needed help and my parents could see that so they agreed to pay for it. At first, I couldn't see how I was going to get out of this dark hole but guess what? I saw my therapist nine times and that was all I needed. All that suffering and all I needed was six and a half hours with the right person.

Life in 2016 is hard enough as it is, obviously I still find things hard, but it is so much easier to handle now that I have learnt how to deal with it. And to put it to practice earlier this month, my parents flew to America for three whole weeks and this time I was fine! Of course I was worried when they said they were going again but it was such a great feeling to see how far I've come. I just got on with every day the same way I would have if they were at home and I am so proud of myself. I feel like I've come full circle!

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