Learning how to be alone

Learning how to be alone

• Wednesday, 27 August 2025

Bank holidays have always terrified me, it’s sad but it’s true. I remember being in a relationship when I was much younger and crying every time one came around because we never did anything fun, it would just be another boring day. Worse than that, being single altogether on a bank holiday - the thought was just terrifying. I had that ahead of me last week. My first single bank holiday in over a year.

I've put a lot of mental work into this breakup. Analysing what went wrong and why, seeing multiple therapists and journalling every day but this time, I've also started to focus on putting effort into rebuilding myself - which is the step I always miss. Having had a wonderful bank holiday weekend, just flitting around, doing normal life, I think it’s actually been working.

Friday night I was a little worried. I know I’m worst in the mornings and have realised if I don’t have something to get up for, I’ll lay in bed and just get more and more depressed as the hours pass so the night before, I found a yoga class and decided I’d have to go to that, even though I really didn’t want to, at least it'd get me out of bed. But then I thought a little harder about what would really make me happy.

I realised I haven’t had a pedicure since leaving because I would never even have thought to treat myself to something like that. I went from monthly pedicures courtesy of my boyfriend to breaking up and reluctantly painting my own toes because I didn’t think I was worth spending £15 on. Well, I decided that I was, in fact worth spending £15 on. I booked myself in the next morning and spent the rest of the weekend absolutely elated that my toes looked so pretty. What a mindset shift!

This weekend really reminded me how much I love where I live and how pleased I am for dragging myself through hell and back to be here. On one of the days, I popped to the park, the riverside and home three or four times and thought nothing of it because it was only a couple of minutes walking each time. The big supermarket is five minutes away, there are places to skate everywhere and Wandsworth Park has been my happy place since I first visited it.

I went for a walk along the river one afternoon, skated at my favourite spot on another and made the effort to join a Facebook girls group for drinks one evening. I wasn’t really in the mood for it but I know how important finding a new group of friends is for me at the moment, so I made the effort to join.

I bought myself a bunch of flowers at the supermarket, although this is something I've been doing now since I've moved out and it really lifts my mood. I didn’t realise just how little I thought of myself until the last couple of months. It really has been a revelation and goes quite a long way in explaining why I feel so low so often.

One other thing I saw a huge improvement on was how I dealt with plans changing. Often I have a total meltdown if plans change, particularly if it was something like this time when it was a whole day activity and I had nothing to fall back on - but it was one of my favourite days. When my afternoon plan got changed, I grabbed a blanket, my headphones, and a book (trying - and failing - to get into reading. First step - take book with you) and headed back to the park. Within a couple of minutes, I’d bumped into my friend walking his dog. We ended up getting some takeaway wine from the mini golf hut and spent the whole afternoon drinking in the sunshine. It was awesome.

Choosing myself again and again is hard, especially when I didn’t even know I hadn't been doing it for the last 32 years. But a whole weekend of self-aware choices added up and seems to have made an impact. This bank holiday felt like a milestone. I’m slowly building something I should have started working on years ago, and this weekend is proof, maybe, that I can create happiness for myself in ways I never used to believe I could.